BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
Believing in yourself can get you through virtually anything. Believing in yourself is contagious too. It resonates and is received by others. It is attractive and the energy, although others might not be able to put their finger on it or definitively describe it, makes others feel better about themselves over time if they spend more and more time with you.
It is very difficult to maintain that belief in yourself if trauma has occurred though. Some have even been totally robbed of it, having no idea when, how, or that it even happened at all until they either unpack their experience in therapy or attempt another relationship. If this has happened to you, let me first say, I’m so sorry!! I am so sorry because the side effects of no longer believing in yourself can be scary when you look inward and compare yourself to who you were before trauma. I am so sorry because the road back to believing in yourself is also scary, can be hard and unpredictable, and can be long.
BUT...guess what!! Guess who is worth “all that trouble”? You. You were born special and you continue to be special. The fact that you have survived trauma means that you have plenty left on this planet to do. You have a greater, awesome purpose. In order for you to live that purpose, you must heal. During the healing process, you will rebuild the belief in yourself. Keep in mind though, the healing process and believing in yourself isn’t just an incline. There will be ebbs and flows. Believing in yourself is easy when things are going great but one tends to question themselves and all the hard work they’ve done when there is either a plateau in growth or pause in productivity. I, personally, still have this issue sometimes. It definitely gets better the more you heal but maintaining that belief in yourself on the way down the roller coaster of healing/growth can still be a little difficult. Questions that pop into my mind: Did or am I doing something wrong? Have I somehow veered off the path? Am I being tempted by something new or that I am not aware of? Now, these are all viable questions. It is good to look inward and question one’s thoughts or behavior. But question what is going on, get the answers, and move on. Don’t obsess. It becomes unhealthy to sit in the negative aspect of things especially once you have dissected it. It helps to break down the entire picture and make sense of things. For instance, what could be causing a plateau in growth or healing or whatever might be going on in your life could simply be just that...life! Life happens all around us and most times, it has nothing to do with what we have done or said. Believing in yourself and the power of what you have deduced comes in here. As you are going through all the aspects of your current situation and you’ve come to understand what is going on, have faith in the answers you have found. Accept what your “gut” is telling you. There is something deep inside you that knows and I mean, truly KNOWS. It’s your spirit. Your spirit is your truest and deepest self. Believe in yourself. Yes, it is really tough sometimes. This is where love and encouragement of others who resonate on your level or higher come in. They help keep you up and build you up and vice versa. Find your “tribe”. I have a tribe and they are freakin’ awesome! It took me a long time to find them but they are well worth the time and energy and growth it took to get to them. They will nourish your belief in yourself. They will love you and you will love them.
Believing in yourself is key in life...in your own life and in teaching others to live and be ultimately prosperous in their own lives. It’s not just you alone. At times, it takes a village. Don’t be afraid to seek out that village if you feel that you need it. Listen to your “gut”...your spirit...it won’t steer you wrong.
Peace and Blessings to you all.
SYMPTOMS OF C-PTSD
For the third installment of this series, we’re going to get into the specific symptoms of C-PTSD. Aside from some of the typical symptoms of Classic PTSD, including: flashbacks, a heightened state of anxiety, and emotional avoidance, Complex PTSD symptoms include:
A compromised sense of core beliefs - This boils down to the loss of trust at the most basic level of one’s consciousness. This is devastating. The disintegration of what love is and what it means. This is loss of trust in relationships (family, romantic, friendships, workplace, society), religious beliefs, values, etc.
Loss of personal identity or negative sense of self - This is a direct result of consistent manipulation/gaslighting and the overall cycle of abuse as a result of trauma. One loses his/her self-esteem, self-confidence, sense of personal identity. One suffers from shame for various reasons (victim shaming, “staying with his/her abuser too long”, “attracting an abuser” in the first place, etc.), helplessness, guilt.
Greatly diminished functionality in relationships and fear/apprehension to pursue them - This symptom builds upon the loss of personal identity or negative sense of self. One might have feelings of “never letting abuse happen to them again”, always being on guard in a relationship, sabotage, developing an unhealthy pattern in relationships because of what they have known/experienced in the past.
Difficulty controlling emotions or locking them away altogether - One’s emotions could frequent the extreme ends of the spectrum from explosive anger to suicidal thoughts and persistent depression. On the other hand, stemming from the belief that one somehow caused or deserved the trauma, and in an effort not to inflict harm on another, he/she might lockdown emotions altogether.
Detaching from trauma - There are times and situations where trauma experienced is so overwhelming that the brain must detach from it to survive. This includes: emotional numbing, or depersonalization, which protects one from further emotional and/or physical trauma, and derealisation, which detaches one from the world around them and leaves them feeling that what is happening around them is not real. These symptoms can even go so far as to the individual forgetting their trauma altogether.
As a survivor myself, I experienced and am healing from every last one of these symptoms. I experienced a mind-blowing realization that, unbeknownst to me, my core belief of what love was, had been obliterated. I had no idea this had happened until I had been unpacking my trauma in consistent counseling. It has taken years to get to the level of strength and understanding that I had to redefine what love meant to ME.
I didn’t realize that I had lost my personal identity in the way I had been used to it existing until I was put on the spot to use my voice and do so in a powerful way. I had lost my voice. I had lost my self-confidence. I realized this, again, by unpacking my trauma in counseling. I have been rebuilding it over time by remaining in counseling, overcoming negative self-talk, helping others, and speaking out for others. I’m still not where I need to be though BUT I know I will be and won’t stop until I get there.
I had also developed a complete distrust of men and had absolutely no interest in dating...it wasn’t worth being destroyed again. Being a single mother and having the innate need to provide for my son’s health and well-being only greatly intensified this feeling. I consistently pursued professional relationships and success but I found that I was almost terrified to speak up in these new relationships and in meetings, etc. The fear behind pursuing relationships was, again, revealed to me in counseling.
What I didn’t realize though was that, the portion of one’s brain and heart that is normally reserved for love, is a very large part of who one is. I have literally just realized this within the last few days, now that I have just started seeing someone special. So much so that I am now becoming aware that it is going to take a lot of ongoing growth, patience in general and with myself, and understanding balance, to have just that...balance...with the various portions of one’s/my life. I also understand that being able to trust myself leads me to be with someone who can help me heal the parts of myself that can only be healed by the true and healing love of another.
It is a lot of work to heal from trauma but I am worth it...my son is worth it...my family is worth it...the environment is worth it...the world is worth it. Aren’t you worth healing from your trauma? Most of the world is experiencing C-PTSD. Knowing this makes how the world is right now make a lot of sense. Changing the world begins with self. How we are on the inside directly impacts our immediate environment and radiates outward, affecting the world. We each are worth love and healing and so is the world. Please make the choice to do the work. You’re not alone. There is tons of help and support out there. Please reach out. You’re worth it!!
CAUSES OF C-PTSD
I cannot stress how important it is to know and understand the inner-workings of you. This is the beginning of the healing process. The topic of the last EyeOnDV blog was what C-PTSD is. The next step is to uncover what the causes are. These will be the tools to identify what could be going on inside as a result of ongoing or chronic trauma. Being able to put names to experiences can help to empower and, possibly, expedite the healing process...I know it did for me! So, let’s jump in…
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is recognized as a separate condition (from PTSD) in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) although this is not yet the case in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). It is caused by repetitive and severe abuse over a long stretch of time...often occurring in childhood. The trauma experienced during this very impressionable period of life, unfortunately, most often has lifelong ramifications.
Exposure to this trauma can cause functional and structural changes in the brain, altering the volume and/or size of three particular sections: the amygdala (enlargement), which is the alarm center of the brain, the hippocampus (shrinkage), which is vital for memory, and the prefrontal cortex becomes hypoactive. These types of functional changes in the brain cause an ongoing overproduction of the stress hormone, cortisol, which over time wears down the immune system which, as you can imagine, has a catastrophic ripple effect throughout the body (i.e., the development of autoimmune diseases, etc.) if it is not handled and treated quickly. Examples of events that could cause this type damage are: exposure to domestic violence, genocide, child abuse/neglect/abandonment, torture, extreme poverty...to name a few. In all of these cases, the child/person is under the control of another person and cannot escape.
So, let’s take a particular hypothetical domestic violence case for example. There’s a couple and the wife is currently pregnant. The husband is abusive: physically, mentally, verbally, financially. The wife is under a constant cycle of abuse that she cannot, at this point, see her way clear of because she has been manipulated into becoming totally financially dependent on her partner, has been completely cut off from family, friends, and any support that she could have. She is spinning within the cycle of violence from honeymoon phase to tension to violence and so one, all the while trying to appease him and simply survive. Imagine the consistent stress her system is going through and at the most vital time in her and her unborn child’s lives. Remember, the child within her is experiencing everything she is experiencing and all her body is going through is making up the building blocks of this helpless child within her. This child is being hard-wired for abuse and having no defenses against it. It starts here. It starts at the very beginning of life when, during development, a child does not have the capability to say “no”. His/her brain is developing from a cellular level under the pressures that the mother’s brain is now being damaged by. The mother’s brain will have the capability to rewire itself and recover, if she manages to remove herself from the abuse, and is able to heal. But that is because her brain will have the memory of how it used to be prior to abuse to pull from. Her unborn child won’t have that luxury. He/she will have formed in toxicity...in catastrophic dysfunction.
So, do you see why it is so important to stop domestic violence in its tracks? We are literally cursing the next generation by implanting them with traumas that are our own and that they will be crippled by for life. It is our responsibility, MY responsibility, to make sure this stops...to make sure the C-PTSD no longer exists, especially as a result of domestic violence. I don’t know if I can accomplish that but I am certainly going to try.
Are you with me?
WHAT IS C-PTSD?
So, my new counselor just confirmed something that I have been suspecting for a long time. Based on my life experiences and side effects of those experiences, I have been living with C-PTSD. It is really comforting to know what I have been dealing with. Now begins the process of defining all of the puzzle pieces and putting any of them together that are displaced. After consistently healing for four years now, I am pretty good at this process. Enough about me though…I thought it was important to cast some light on what C-PTSD is and why it is different from PTSD.
C-PTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is first and foremost an anxiety condition. This anxiety is caused by underlying, ongoing/repeated (from months to possibly years), and very intense trauma. Both C-PTSD and PTSD can have things such as insomnia, flashbacks, and nightmares associated with it. The major difference between the two is that, with PTSD, a singular traumatic event can have occurred at virtually any period in an individual’s life, whereas with C-PTSD, this condition is as a result of childhood trauma. Because the origin of C-PTSD happens during a time when a person is experiencing extreme and ongoing growth and development (psychological, mental, verbal, etc.), the impacts of it are severe, long-lasting, and wide-ranging. In other words, when trauma occurs in the developmental years of a child, this can almost guarantee life-long consequences. When a child is raised in an environment of domestic violence, for instance, that influence is catastrophic. Then, living in the oppressive type of society that we all are a part of further compounds trauma experienced earlier in life.
My question now is: if someone experienced trauma as a child or adolescent and, as a result, has C-PTSD, and they experience a certain type of traumatic event as an adult, can they now be grappling with C-PTSD and PTSD? I’m guessing that it would depend on what the latter traumatic event was and the make-up of the individual and his/her circumstances. I don’t know the answer to this question but I am certainly going to find out.
If you or someone you know has experienced trauma and thinks they might be experiencing PTSD or C-PTSD, please find help for yourself or encourage them to do so. With help, either condition is manageable along with a wonderful and thriving life. Help, love, and support is out there.
Next blog...Causes of C-PTSD.
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: INTIMIDATION
To put it plainly and simply, intimidation in a domestically violent or abusive relationship is used to maintain control. The foundation has already been well-established as to who the dominant party is. It sets the bar within a household as to what line everyone knows to stay away from. This dictates all behavior of every member of the household, including children. Over time, maintaining control becomes easier for the abuser and more and more frightening to the abused.
Intimidation also dictates how children learn to interact with and establish relationships with people outside of the home as well. Children learn that love hurting is normal. Children develop a hair-triggered or “always on” startle reflex. Children develop in a constant state of hypervigilance. Children learn not to trust. Children, as they grow into adulthood, tend to seek out abusive relationships. And this all begins with consistent intimidation in the home.
Intimidation exhibits itself in many forms...it doesn’t have to be physical. It can be a look from across the room. It can be the pulling out of a belt to threaten spanking with. It can also just be a sound. It can be the sound of the gun box clanging as your husband pulls it from the top shelf in your bedroom closet. It can be the sound of your father angrily stomping down the hallway in your direction. It can be the sound of your mother screaming from upstairs.
Even when intimidation is physical, quite often it is very subtle. A couple of instances that happened with me have been being guided through a room by my abuser jamming his fingers into the small of my back, completely out of view from everyone else. Or, when we were out in public and he wanted to get his point across, putting his hand on my shoulder in a seemingly loving way, but digging his thumb into my collarbone. Or, while holding my hand, he would pinch the skin between my thumb and forefinger.
Other forms of intimidation are smashing things and abusing pets, for example.
Over time, intimidation is a tactic that turns into a consistent energy that radiates around the abuser. It gets to the point where there is constant fear of the abuser. It even goes so far as to undermine the abused spouse’s attempts at parenting and disciplining children, which in turn, comes back to reflect badly on that spouse. He/she becomes a “bad parent” because the children won’t listen to him or her. Of course not! The children are going to listen to the parent who scares them.
Intimidation can be another spoke on the power and control wheel that is very hard to explain because sometimes it is invisible. No matter how it rears its ugly head, it is dangerous. Please, tell someone. Seek help. Find safety. If abuse of some sort is happening in your life, DO NOT believe the lie that your abuser has planted in your head...HELP IS OUT THERE! People do love you. Reach out.
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING COERCION AND THREATS
Coercion is the practice of persuading someone to do something by the use of threats or force. Other words similar to coercion that you might be more familiar with are: intimidation, pressure, influence, harassment, oppression, enforcement, arm-twisting. Coercion is unfortunately used in many areas of our lives by people who are, or believe they are, in a position of power and need, above anything else, to maintain that power to exist. In domestic violence, coercion is used under the blanket of “love”, making it almost unidentifiable by the victim.
Coercion is an act that happens throughout the power and control wheel, much like intimidation and emotional abuse do, and this is why coercion can take on many “faces”. One of the most basic threats that an abuser might use is threatening to leave the victim. The abuser uses this tactic knowing that the victim has already been manipulated into believing that he/she is completely alone, that they have no support source other than the abuser, that no one loves them other than the abuser. So, if the abuser leaves, the victim will be completely alone and unable to function on their own. This tactic was used on me and I remember the experience as clear as day because the scenario was so strange. My ex-abuser and I were in a loving position (I’ll leave out the details here) and he said, “If you ever leave me, I’ll take our son and you’ll never see him again”. I remember looking at him with the strangest look on my face. I said, “why would you ever say that to me?” He just chuckled. At this point in our relationship, I already knew what he was doing and what his motives were. It’s not that I didn’t believe him, because I did, I just understood to read between the lines, keep my eyes open, keep my son where I could see him, and keep my personal relationships close.
Coercion can to lead to so many different outcomes: financial abuse, sexual assault, spiritual abuse, etc....and it’s unknowingly causing a psychological breakdown of the victim the longer he/she is exposed to it. A victim being coerced into acquiring financial debt is quite common. For instance, being threatened into opening credit cards in the victim’s name, only for the abuser to max them out. Being forced into putting an apartment lease in the victim’s name, knowing he/she has good credit and under the assumption that if she doesn’t do it, that “his/her family and children will be homeless”, only for the abuser not to pay the rent.
Coercion can also lead to what is becoming more understood and accepted as a real and valid issue: marital rape. Society has taught women and men that wives sleep with their husbands no matter what...it is their duty and they cannot turn their husbands away. This has given the spouse with the power, the ability to take what he wants whenever and however he wants no matter how his wife feels. This is rape, period, whether there is a ring involved or not.
Another outcome of coercion that is becoming more widely understood is spiritual abuse. The best way I can explain this is to give an example. This coercion built slowly over time for me. My ex-abuser and I started going to an amazing church and we both took to the environment immediately...or so I thought. Soon, it turned into my ex-abuser manipulating time to make sure we got to church late, missing the uplifting music in the beginning. Then, began him not paying attention in church and talking to me during church, taking my attention away from what we were there to do in the first place: learn about God. Then, to him not wanting our son to go to the kid’s ministry. Then, him trying to keep me from going to bible study. Then, suddenly I couldn’t go to church events. What was amazing to me is when an adult tells another adult that he or she can’t do something, as if that person is a child. I will never understand that. I was told that I couldn’t go to a particular church event just as I was walking out the door to go. I looked at him, picked up my son, and walked out the door...to the church event. Lastly, and this scared me...my ex-abuser told me, just as I was walking out the door to go to church on a Sunday morning, that he wanted me to worship him instead of God! Whaaaaaaaaaat! Both ridiculous, and knowing God, scary!
Now, if we all keep in mind that domestic violence in its entirety is about control, we will remember that coercion is about control as well. Thinking back about all of my experiences that involved coercion with my ex-abuser, the motivation behind each and every one of them was because he was witnessing his loss of control over me that he thought he had to begin with. If any of these situations sound familiar to you, the best thing you can do is to stay close to people who love you and continue to confide in them. They will be able to keep you on your axis, in other words, keep you grounded so you can think your way through your situation. If things are dier and physical or sexual abuse is happening, seek out an organization experienced to help with a situation like yours and/or contact law enforcement in a way that will not put you at further risk of physical abuse.
Peace and Blessings. Stay safe out there.
PEACE
Each individual determines what peace means for him or her. Each person’s priorities are different and they also change based on the season that each individual is in. With life being so tumultuous over the past year or so for everyone, peace seems to be a novelty for most. But, it is attainable. I am coming to understand what peace looks like for me but because I am new to the space, it can still be easily interrupted and I must adjust.
I woke up this morning with an anxious heart. Yesterday was a very exciting day because some new things and new people entered my life. It was a very long day and I got a lot done. I also suffered the consequences of this because I was mentally drained by early evening. I understood though that the effort had to be made because a blessing that came my way needed space made for it. As a mother though, I felt guilty because I had to focus more time on this new blessing yesterday, which took time away from the time I normally spend with my son. He only has me to interact with. Come bedtime, he and I have been reading a wonderful interactive book about emotions. He is loving it...asking questions, making comments and comparisons with his life and friends...it’s wonderful!! He has a tendency though to want me to make things easy for him and telling him what to write during the interactive portions of the book. I wouldn’t do this last night (mostly because I was exhausted). He got upset with me about it so I said goodnight, put him to bed (despite clear displeasure with this) and I went to bed. I woke up this morning with an easy heart.
Anytime, I have an uneasy heart about anything, I know that my peace is out of whack and I must sit with it and understand why. I do a calming exercise so that I can let God in, be present, and think clearly. It turns out that I am uneasy about the new blessing, the time I had to take away from my son yesterday, and the interaction we had before bed. The more I allowed myself to calmly let the feelings reveal themselves, next came the realization and remedy: reset my balance. No work after 5pm...that’s mom and son time. Maintain priorities: God first, Others second, self third. There is a place for this new blessing. Don’t jump in too fast, burning yourself out...keep your mind open and let God lead you through it.
Peace and balance will be interrupted but it’s up to you to determine why and how to get it back. Allowing yourself to feel and process your feelings is a huge part of being able to get them both back. Breathing and calming is the best place to start so that you can make sure you are in a space to be able to receive your feelings and process them and then receive the answers to get yourself back to peace. This is hard with so much going on in the world and so much going on in people’s individual lives. Nevertheless, you must be strong. You must be strong enough to let yourself BE STILL. This is a process that will require help to understand and get yourself into. Please seek it out, take it when offered, and rely on it whenever you need it.
Peace and Blessings to you all.
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING ECONOMIC ABUSE
Economic, or financial abuse, was one of the strangest experiences that I had with my abuser. Each experience was so strange both during it and in retrospect. Because it so obviously stood out from what clearly was right vs wrong, these experiences really caught my attention. I had always been very independent, having no problem taking care of myself and helping others if they needed it. So, when I would offer to help to figure out our family’s financial issues, i.e. find work myself, go to family for help, etc., and my abuser would either become irate or tell me to go ahead and do it only to “flip the script” and become irate when I managed to find a solution, it was both very hurtful and very confusing. In one breath, I was fully supported to pursue my career. In the very next breath or when I was excited about some good news, my abuser’s reaction would be “all you care about is your career”. It was a constant yanking bank and forth. Constant confusion. I “wasn’t allowed” to use the car if I managed to find work to help with the bills OR he would offer to take me to work but he would run so many “essential” errands on the way to taking me to work that I would lose the job as a result of being late. It was constant sabotage to maintain control and shame. Forget about going to the grocery store. At a certain point, I couldn’t go unless he took me and I couldn’t use “his” debit card to purchase groceries, nor could I know the pin number. It was all about creating a reality of shame. He had to be in control even if it meant the entire family would go down in flames.
None of this was based truly in reality. But as I always had before him, I was going to find a way. We had a family now and I was one of the responsible parties. Our family was not going to fail if I had anything to do with it. I found ways to work, although very difficult to do and they didn’t pay much, but he was not going to stop me. We had a newborn son and he deserved to be healthy and safe and eventually have great education. It was my job to make sure of that and my abuser was not going to stand in the way. These beliefs were set in stone with me from a very young age as a result of martial arts but the same values were being freshly reintroduced through getting closer and closer to God during this time as well. His presence in my life couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. Learning about Him, made right vs wrong blatantly clear in my life as issues came up. AND, knowing that He had my back and understanding that I was gifted with the responsibility of taking care of our son, afforded me the strength to make what would have been very scary decisions if I did not have Him ever present in my life all-day, every-day.
Economic abuse, more commonly called financial abuse, is typically characterized as an abuser preventing a victim from getting or keeping work, forcing him/her to ask for money, belittling the victim by giving him/her an allowance, taking the victim’s money if they have any, not informing the victim about money or refusing access to that money. Currently, other forms of financial abuse are being exposed. For example, stealing a victim’s stimulus or not letting the victim know that it has been received, using the victim’s social security number illegally, identity theft of all sorts, coerced debt. A victim might also be cut off from finances when he/she disagrees with the abuser and the abuser might also stop helping with household duties in response to disagreements as well. Sadly, abusers have also been known to use funds from children’s bank accounts to hurt the victim as well.
As with all other forms of abuse, financial abuse is completely about having and maintaining control. The abuser will up the ante if the cycle keeps happening and he/she anticipates losing control, i.e. physical violence absolutely can result. If you are experiencing what has been described above and you fear that violence is the next step or, if violence has occurred, and you anticipate that your life is in danger if another act of violence occurs, absolutely reach out for help right now. When you do reach out for help, make sure you are in a safe place to talk and be prepared to share details of what has been happening to you (it might be helpful to have a friend or loved-one sitting beside you or on a conference call with you when you reach out to a helping organization). They cannot help if they do not know what is going on. They are there to help...it is ok to trust them. Most advocates have domestic violence experience themselves so...they get it and are sensitive to your experiences. Please reach out for help. I wish you all safety, peace, blessings.
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING MALE PRIVILEGE
Let me preface this blog by stating that I will be using a heterosexual relationship, where the man is the abuser and the woman is the victim, as the example. By no means is this the only type of relationship that can have the following circumstances.
Male privilege is something that is ingrained in our society and has been for centuries. This is not only the case in men, but women have also been taught to accept it as normal male behavior. In other words, women have been taught to believe that certain behavior is not only acceptable, but normal, and women go their entire lives, generation after generation, being manipulated, demeaned, degraded, and worse. The thing is, no matter what one has been taught, each and every person has that deep feeling inside of them when they know something is wrong. I have that feeling when I know I am in a situation with someone and it is wrong. We as women are starting to listen to our gut. We are starting to wake up, listen up, take notice, and speak out.
To put it simply, male privilege is the inherent belief that, as a man, he is superior to a woman. He has the right to dominate, control, and even so much as use physical violence to force HIS woman to submit. This is THE foundation of abusive behavior in interpersonal relationships between men and women where the man is the abuser. The abuser will go to any lengths necessary to have and maintain dominance and control over his partner. This is one of the ways where the term “toxic masculinity” applies. He does not believe that he should or has to negotiate with a woman in a relationship for any reason. He is the man and she must listen. That is his role and this is her role. She must agree with him. She must obey him. She must act the way he wants and so on. For his woman not to submit to him, she threatens his very identity and he has the right to punish her as a result. In other words, he is not a man if she “talks back to him”, “doesn’t agree”, “doesn’t obey”, etc. A couple of examples from my own experience are: being forced to wash my son’s baby clothes out in a bucket by hand on the floor while my abuser sits over me and looking down his nose at me. Also, buying me a car only to have it taken away when I didn’t “obey him”, leaving me and his son stranded. A man with this quality will fight for dominance as if his life depends on it, AND in his eyes, it does. Under no circumstances will he ever be wrong nor will he ever take responsibility for his mistakes. Now, this isn’t necessarily the case in other relationships (work, friendships, etc.) because he doesn’t “own” them. He can sit down and have healthy interactions and conversations here. On the flip side, any man that is the opposite in a relationship (sees his girlfriend/wife as an equal, as his partner, makes the healthy effort to have healthy communication and negotiate) is revered as a weakling, to put it nicely. He is shamed for it.
If you are in a relationship with a man and these circumstances seem familiar to you, you might also come to understand that your partner seems to be needing to constantly “one-up” you. Being in competition with his partner is also very common. I didn’t come to understand this as the reason behind certain occurrences until I was working through it all in counseling. For instance, I never did understand why my abuser would get so upset when I would either find resources to help with situations we were going through or reach out for help from family when we, for instance, were having trouble paying rent and/or bills. Unbeknownst to me, he would orchestrate these terrifying situations just so he could “swoop in and save the day”. But when it turned out that he couldn’t come through or follow through and I had to step in or else we would get evicted, he would be irate instead of grateful. Situations like this would happen over and over.
In my opinion, male privilege is the scariest spoke on the power and control wheel. It is something that we, as women, can firsthand do absolutely nothing about. The only way we can influence change is if we continue to shine light on this and for men who see us as partners and treat us as such, can educate these men and support and lead them through change. I want to make it very clear that not all men have male privilege as a core belief. There is hope. If you are experiencing abuse as described herein, please understand that you are not alone and help is out there. Please stay strong and reach out.
WHEN TRUTH HURTS
When the truth hurts,
The blind will lie.
Those who cannot see,
Will run 100 miles away.
The truth is hard to accept,
They’d rather live a false reality.
In order to paint their pretty picture,
They attempt to shatter my life.
They do this by keeping my son,
Telling me that I need mental help.
I am told if I take bi-polar meds,
Then I can see my son.
My abuser demands to have access,
To MY medical records.
Where are his medical records,
When he placed countless holes in walls.
The difference here is that I choose help,
Whereas he chooses denial.
That’s the difference between those who are awake,
And those who are still sleeping.
When we are awake,
We accept truths to resolve trauma.
by
Anonymous
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING CHILDREN
When abusers use children to control their victims it is an especially damaging and devastating ongoing experience that is unfortunately very common. It renders the victim feeling powerless and frustrated with seemingly no relief in sight. I experienced this for a few years and it was awful. I had to eventually understand that showing no emotion in regards to my abuser’s antics was the only way to get him to stop but this took time. I must make a very clear point: understanding your abuser, his/her motivations, his/her antics, using “flying monkeys” to inflict abuse as well, and being patient with yourself is the best and most effective way to combat what you are going through.
Now...understanding your abuser. If the abuser is using the children to “get back at” the victim, they are doing so as leverage to make the victim do what they want him/her to do, keep them from doing something that they don’t want them to do, or getting back at/punishing the victim for something. This will keep happening as long as the abuser is getting the reaction out of the victim that they desire. The abuser uses the children against the victim because he/she is counting on the victim’s inherent need to prioritize the health and well-being of the children. Essentially, the abuser is using the victim’s love for their children against them.
This tactic can manifest itself in many ways. For example, the abuser can use visitation to harass the victim. If the couple is separated/divorced, and the mom (the victim in this example), has full physical custody, with the dad (the abuser in this example) having court-ordered visitation, the mom will have the child on a schedule for such things as bedtime, meals, schoolwork, etc. For those of us who are parents, we are well aware that this type of structure is good for children and their development and sense of stability. The abuser will do everything he can to disrupt this schedule knowing this will adversely affect the victim. It is all in an effort to have some sort of control over a victim that the abuser no longer has physical access to. The abuser will do things such as consistently show up late for visitation pick-ups and drop offs...even so much as not showing up at all. Also, they might bring the child back from visitation with soiled clothing and diapers or cram them full of sugar knowing that the child will be bursting with energy for hours, leaving the other parent to deal with issues that he/she either should have dealt with or not created in the first place.
Another example is threatening to take the children away. An abuser might say “if you leave, you’ll never see the kids again” or “if you don’t do what I say, I’ll take the kids and you’ll never see them again”. Unbeknownst to the victim, accomplishing this legally would be very difficult for the abuser to do. But because of love and attachment to the children, fear and emotion immediately set in with the victim, and he/she gives in to the abuser’s wants/needs, setting in stone a pattern that the abuser now knows he/she can use.
All of these tactics used by the abuser make it absolutely clear that the need to punish the victim supersedes the love that they might have for their children. This is very sad but true. For those of you who are going through this, I am so so sorry!! I understand the effect it is having on you. I also understand how devastating it can be for your children. Also, please do not underestimate the abuser’s power to manipulate the viewpoints of those around you. Don’t be surprised if and when you have the courage to speak up and out about what you are experiencing, those around you side with the abuser! This might happen quite a bit. This is infuriating, yes, but in the end, it won’t matter. Please reach out for help and support anyway...without it, experiencing this can have you feeling the need to explode!! Reach out to friends and family who will offer their shoulder and have your and your children’s best interest at heart. I encourage you to get into counseling (for you and your children) if you haven’t already. And most importantly, as hard as this is, THIS TOO SHALL PASS! You got this!
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: MINIMIZING, DENYING, AND BLAMING
Minimizing, denying, and blaming happens very often within abusive relationships and largely goes unnoticed. It happens as a result of an abuser not getting his/her own way or things not going according to their plan. Causes can be of the seemingly simplest form, i.e. clothes not being put back in a certain way, or having nothing at all to do with the victim, i.e. the abuser getting reprimanded at work by his/her boss. It’s all about establishing and maintaining control. Once this control is established, the victim is now viewed as incompetent in the abuser’s mind and, also according to his/her viewpoint, in the eyes of others, and the victim has no reasonable way to fight back or confront the abuser. If a victim has the gumption to hold the abuser accountable for their actions/words, the abuser will simply “up the ante”...yelling louder, hitting harder, inflicting a harsher level of physical and emotional pain. This is what makes domestic violence in all its forms so dangerous...you’ll never know what an abuser WON’T do to maintain his/her control over a victim. This is what finally scared me about mine. Once this realization set in, I realized that there was no end to the possibilities of what he might do to maintain control over me. That was terrifying! It wasn’t what had already happened and what I had already seen that scared me the most, it was what I couldn’t see, what I couldn’t put a finger on, what very few others could see! After all, if this is what he thought love was, what on earth did he think hate was?! On top of all that, I had a very young child to think about!
Anyway, back to the point...minimizing, denying, and blaming also ties into another portion of the power and control wheel: emotional abuse. A large part of what happens in these two parts of the process is what is called gaslighting or, “crazy-making”. This is characterized by the abuser ever so slightly tweaking the facts in an occurrence to make it look, sound and feel like the truth but represent the version of the truth that the abuser wants the world to see as THE truth. The part that makes the victim feel crazy is that he/she will run the occurrence around over and over in his/her mind trying to make sense of it but the tweak(s) have been so subtle, the victim won’t be able to figure it out. He/she will simply start to accept that he/she isn’t remembering reality as it was but instead, how the abuser insists it happened. What makes this step in the process so damaging is that it has a worsening effect on the psychological health of the victim...he/she will eventually lose him/herself within the personality of the abuser.
Losing oneself within his/her abuser is an act of survival NOT something a victim should feel or made to feel ashamed of….let’s just make that clear up front! The longer a victim must remain in close quarters of his/her abuser the more he/she must learn and understand how he/she thinks and behaves. Doing this over an extended and consistent amount of time gets the victim wrapped up in his/her abuser’s mindset trying to survive the abuse and/or salvage the relationship. What has happened at this point is that the victim has adopted the abuser’s thinking instead of maintaining his/her own. The vast majority of people outside of the relationship will never understand this and will shame the victim for it. THIS IS WRONG and so harmful to the healing of the victim! If you are a victim and have experienced shaming at the hands of others...DO NOT BE ASHAMED!! Know that they do not understand and probably never will. Move on with your healing! If they come around, great, if they don’t...OH WELL!!
On the note of healing, let me end this blog by stressing that no part of abuse has anything to do with the victim! It has everything to do with an abuser having the overwhelming need to dominate and have control. If you are a victim or are a survivor and trying to make sense of things, please understand that abuse never is or was your fault. Please do not ever again take the responsibility of someone else’s atrocious actions against you! Your job now is to heal. You can do it! There is plenty of help out there...no matter how effective your abuser was at convincing you otherwise. You are going to need help to heal from this and understand it all. Please reach out. Help is here.
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: ISOLATION
Sitting down and thinking about this tactic, I realize just how commonly this tool is used. It is not only used in romantic relationships, it is also used in friendships, workplace relationships, and families. It can be so subtle, that you don’t even realize it is happening unless you know how to look for it...unless you have experience with it already, are the type of person who is aware of their surroundings, and are in tune to your brain and body when it sounds alarms. This really only happens with awareness. And, this is why EyeOnDV is so big on bringing issues to light. Having the knowledge equips people to make decisions in their lives that could save their lives and the lives of others. Anyway...back to the point…
Isolation in the beginning will not at all look or feel like what it eventually will over time. In the beginning, isolation will be part of the “grooming” process. An abuser will seem very romantic...he/she will want to spend all of their time with you and you with them, making you feel extra special and loved. You’ll literally do everything together. If you have plans, he/she might seem disappointed because he/she already made plans for the two of you, etc. He/she will really like your friends in the beginning but subtly start to point out anything bad they do. And this builds over time. In the beginning, you feel so comfortable talking to this person because they have presented themselves to be a “shoulder” and eventually, the only person that “really understands you”. This is used as a platform to learn everything about you. This is what sets the stage to really isolate you from friends because you tell him/her everything that is going on with your friends and he/she begins to subtly emphasize negatively what they say. This builds into things like, “they’re not really your friends”, “they’re no good for you”, “only I understand you”...Because the abuser only subtly distorts reality piece by piece over time, you won’t clue in on the dangers that are on the horizon. You’ll never understand that you are being “groomed” and every word you are telling your abuser is being filed away to use how and whenever necessary and for the abuser to create a persona that you are sure to fall in love with. Once this happens, you are completely blind to what is actually going on and will be easily distracted by his/her deflections to continue to abuse you. Love is, afterall, blind.
An abuser will control who you talk to, who you see, where you go, what you read, what you watch on television...it’s all about control. He/she will limit more and more over time, any outside involvement with anyone and anything that you have outside of your relationship. Once you figure out what is going on, you will be so deep into it, that you and your environment will be virtually unrecognizable and you will wonder, “how on earth did I get here” and “how did this even happen”? And you will rightfully ask these questions. Don’t ever believe anyone who tries to shame you for this. They haven’t the faintest clue what it is really like from the outside in. AND, chances are, they have been in situations like yours but just not a romantic one. The signs are a bit easier to see when love is not involved. Love is literally like a drug. You’ll naturally want to focus on the good in who you love and want to “fix” what has been going wrong. This is what you are supposed to do when you love someone. Unfortunately, abusers don’t know how to love in a healthy way, so they destructively turn love into a weapon and disguise it. They know what love is supposed to look like because you have taught them exactly what you want in a relationship. They know how to appear in public in a relationship because they see it everyday. But behind closed doors, you are living with a monster who most will never encounter.
Jealousy also plays a very big part in it. I’ll give you an example. In my relationship, my abuser would support my career only to turn around and fault me for pursuing it later. I was enrolled in a screenwriting program. I did so at the encouragement of a television producer that thought I was talented :). Being that I had never written dialogue, only story, I had no idea what I was doing and I had to catch on fast. In order to do so, I had a very accomplished screenwriter friend who offered to help me through the course. My abuser was, of course, my biggest cheerleader at first. I was so happy. I had to meet my writer-friend ever so often to go over my work and help me with assignments. One evening, my abuser was calling over and over and over during our session. When I spoke with him, he was livid, making threats against me and my friend...that he’d be waiting for us in the street outside when he drops me off, etc. I offered to take rideshare home but my friend was worried that I wouldn’t be safe if I showed up at home alone so he wanted to drive me. So we headed out. I was scared. We turned onto my street and drove slowly up to the building. He was not outside. I sat in my friend’s car for a while trying to get up the courage to go inside. He said I could sit as long as I needed to. Just knowing that I had a space to be safe in and a friend there for me, helped me gather myself to go inside. He made me promise to text him and let him know I was safe once I was inside. I walked inside. My abuser was sitting in the dark, waiting for me. Situations similar to this happened in my relationship with worsening intensity over time. It does with everyone in abusive relationships.
Please, if you are starting to get clues that something just isn’t right in your relationship or if someone you know is pointing out that something is off, take this seriously. Talk about it with people you trust. They just might have experience and be aware and be able and willing to help you. Please...reach out.
POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: EMOTIONAL ABUSE
In retrospect, the first signs of abuse in my relationship began with very subtle emotional abuse. These signs were so subtle that there is no way that a survivor could recognize them in a relationship. When you are in love with someone, you simply don’t see what would be visible if love wasn’t part of the picture. Love truly is blind. Please, don’t let anyone who is judging you (which is very common...called victim-shaming) make you believe that this is something that you should have seen or should be ashamed of. If they had been in your shoes, they wouldn’t have seen it either. If an abuser’s tactics were easy to see, they wouldn’t be very good at abusing, now would they? And, it just so happens, that abusers choose their victims based on supply. They need victims to be able to zap energy from. If a victim does not have a lot to give over an extended amount of time, they are not a good source and will not be chosen. Contrary to popular belief, being chosen as a victim means this person is strong, not weak! Now...back to emotional abuse…
Examples of emotional abuse are: making someone feel guilty, put-downs, humiliating someone, making someone feel bad about themselves, playing mind games, calling someone names, making someone think they are crazy, i.e. crazy-making, gaslighting, etc. In my experience, both personally and professionally, this is the most debilitating and insidious form of abuse. A truly skillful abuser stops just short of physical abuse...using emotional abuse predominantly to control his/her victim. It breaks down a victim subtly day-to-day over time, without him or her even realizing it is happening. It occurs in the most subtle tweaks to reality. This leaves the victim wondering what it is that is different, what it is that is wrong...knowing that something is off but not being able to put one’s finger on it and racking one’s brain trying to figure it out. Then love comes into the picture. Because one loves his/her abuser (not realizing that abuse is happening at the time) they spend all of their time trying to figure out what it is, trying to fix it, trying to make him/her happy again...make him/her love them again. The thing is...the victim is just doing what one is supposed to do when in an intimate relationship. The victim is supposed to be fighting for the relationship, supposed to be fighting for love, supposed to be wondering what is going wrong and trying to fix it, supposed to care. Love means you fight for the one you love. In an abusive relationship, unfortunately love is twisted into something ugly and evil and it is preyed upon.
The burden of emotional abuse consistently over a long and concentrated period of time, leaves the brain traumatized and operating in survival mode. The victim has no idea this is happening so he/she can not protect themselves from the side effects of it...there is no protection from it. Side effects start to take shape without the victim even being aware...until the victim is out of the relationship, now is a survivor, and is in counseling and talking through what they are experiencing. At this point, the damage has been done and healing must take place.
Emotional abuse is incredibly dangerous. It is able to sneak in and prey upon you unnoticed. Please be careful. Know the signs of an abuser. Know the signs of abuse. Please stay tuned in to EyeOnDV because I will be continuing the Power And Control Wheel series so that you have the tools to recognize the subtle tendencies of abusers. Peace and Blessings to you.
CLARITY
I was in group counseling a couple of days ago and we were working on a series of exercises centered around boundaries. Big, big subject with survivors of domestic violence! The emotions that each of us were feeling stretched the length of the spectrum...some were feeling pain, some confusion, etc. When I was working on the exercise, prior to when the floor was open to share our experiences with it, what I had written on paper was clear and I understood it. But, when I had the opportunity to share it, what was missing stood out in my mind. This brought a clarity that I wasn’t aware of but appreciated knowing that had I not shared, I wouldn’t have been shown what I need to consider and work on in this area.
Clarity is something that we are in short supply of right now and that is totally understandable. It is also something that we all desperately need. It could bring us up out of despair and lead us along the path to healing and a new life that one couldn’t have imagined without it. Clarity, and the way we achieve it, potentially looks different for each person. For me, I get clarity from God (continually seeking Him, a growing relationship with Him, and His wisdom), from counseling and therapy (so awesome!), and having what I call a “meeting of the minds” with people who not only share my views, but also people who don’t.
In general, clarity can be achieved by seeking out knowledge and sharing with others. This proves to be risky business for everyone right now because we, as a collective unit, are all probably experiencing the most negatively impactful experience of our lifetime. We are feeling extremely vulnerable and full of fear. The last thing most of us want to do is be more vulnerable...the thought is that one might not survive. For me, this is where faith comes in...pushing myself beyond what I know I don’t have the capacity to do on my own. In this vulnerable space is where clarity lies. Having faith helps to keep me from spiraling irrevocably into darkness. I couldn’t have survived the last four years of my life without faith and I surely would find it impossible to remain positive and focused on the silver lining in the midst of a pandemic without it.
Gaining clarity is something that would not only benefit you, it would benefit everyone within your intimate circle and radiate outward. It is definitely worth taking that step of faith. AND it is A step. ONE step at a time every day. Just one step a day. It could look like placing a phone call to a trusted friend and sharing how you’re feeling. Just one conversation. Not only would that make you feel better, your friend would feel honored that you trusted him/her with your personal experience in such a vulnerable time for everyone. It would also potentially inspire them to do the same thing. Now see? You have created a chain reaction just by sharing your feelings. People need this type of intimacy...to be heard and felt. You will become aware of a pattern forming: you feel better, your friend feels good that you trust them, a friendship is building and growing. You now are experiencing the silver lining in the midst of a pandemic and helping someone else along the way.
Please try this. I know it seems simple, and it is. You know how they say, “it’s the simple things”? That’s true! It’s a series of simple things done by each person one day at a time to gain clarity for themselves that will help others in return and radiate outward. Who would think that searching for something for yourself could potentially change the world? It’s true! It’s in your hands. Reach out. Share. It’ll work...I promise :)!
THE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL
Thinking back about my relationship, it is still mind-boggling to remember what my abuser’s idea of what love was. Remembering how our relationship started, how I felt, how he appeared, how we came together day-to-day...it was so beautiful. Then to jump to where it ended...it doesn’t make sense and it never will. With all of the counseling, all of the resources, all of the research, all of the conversations with others who have experienced their version of pretty much the same thing I have lived, it still doesn’t make ANY sense. I say this to say...don’t expect to put the puzzle pieces together expecting a light to go off in your head at some point. But...DO gather all the information you can knowing that you will have eventual relief in knowing that there is a pattern to what has happened to you and everyone else that has experienced domestic violence. Having this information will help you avoid being a victim of domestic violence ever again. Arming yourself with as much information as possible will give you the tools to protect yourself, your children, any friends or family members that might be in a situation similar to yours. You will gain perspective, power, the NEW you, your NEW life, your NEW path.
One bit of information that continued to come up in group counseling, individual counseling, my own research, chats with others, was the Power and Control Wheel. It categorizes the cycle of abuse that happens in literally every domestic violence relationship. You will be astounded how exact and ritualistic the abusive occurrences in a DV relationship are. This is because of the abuser’s absolute need for control not only being to control others but also having complete control in their own lives. Anything outside of the strict procedure they have lived their entire lives by will have them feeling completely insecure.
The Power and Control Wheel has 8 areas or categories: Intimidation, Emotional Abuse, Isolation, Minimizing/Denying/Blaming, Using Children, Male Privilege, Economic Abuse, and Coercion and Threats. The domestic violence in a relationship can have its origin in any one of these areas depending on the individuals in the relationship and the nature of their relationship. While in the relationship with one’s significant other, this pattern and the characteristics will be blind to the eye due to the fact that the victim has been “groomed”. The abuser has logged away everything he/she has learned about the victim and used this information to build a persona that the intended victim will be sure to fall in love with. As the victim is falling for the abuser he/she is using the love to draw in the victim: slowly isolating the victim from any and all support or thought pattern that will influence the victim not to challenge the abusers wants/needs, slowly influencing the victim’s image of him/herself so that they dress/speak/act/think only the way the abuser is comfortable with, etc. Over time, the victim will only be able to go where the abuser says, associate only with people the abuser is comfortable with, dress only in ways the abuser is comfortable with, etc….basically becoming a “stepford wife”.
If there is any sort of resistance, this is where the physical danger begins to come in. Any sort of question, no matter what it is, how it is delivered, what is meant by it, is considered opposition by the abuser and it will not be tolerated. This is likely where objects will begin to be thrown or broken, mild physical abuse begins, the threat of pets/children being harmed (if there are any in the home). This is when the victim MUST LEAVE. Domestic violence does not have the chance to get better when “the supply” (or the victim) is still in the home. Whether a victim is going to file a restraining order or just leave, it must happen now.
Now...I don’t come from divorce and I never actually ever considered or pictured myself getting divorced BUT, I always knew that I would never ever exist in a domestic violence relationship and I would certainly NEVER raise a child in a home with domestic violence. Leaving my husband was the single most difficult decision I have ever had to make but having the leadership of God in my life made it irrefutably clear that I must leave...for the health and well-being of EVERY person involved. My husband made it absolutely clear that he was never going to work on himself, never going to work on our marriage or our family so...I was “on my own” if I wanted anything to change. In the long run, we are all healthy and safe and that’s all I ever wanted.
Sometimes, it takes stepping back from a situation and gaining a different perspective so that you may see what is the best thing to do. Maybe separating will spark efforts to heal and the relationship can survive and even thrive with healthy love and hard work. I would have loved to save my marriage but that wasn’t possible in my case...it is possible in others.
Please let the Power and Control Wheel be the start to understanding what is going on in your relationship, learning more about what you can do, what your options are, and to make a move as soon as possible and with support if that is what is necessary. Please reach out and seek support. I will be going into more detail, category-by-category, of the Power Control Wheel in future blogs. Please stay tuned. Blessings to you.
PROTECT YOUR LIGHT
I have a very, very dear friend, let’s call him “T”, and he reminded me of something very important this morning: Protect your light. This is something that I remind others about but I can’t seem to remember for myself...side effect of being a giver. Anywho, I want to remind you all reading this that, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You were not the reason you were abused. You were sought out, you were targeted because of YOUR LIGHT. Having light inside of you, i.e., a loving and giving nature, is what abusers look for. They need that vulnerability to “get in the door”. You were preyed upon for the one thing that we all should have at our core that makes us good people. You were preyed upon because you are the best of the good people. Don’t stop being you.
Now, after experiencing domestic violence, you have probably lost the “you” that you had before. That is normal. You will inevitably try to get him/her back. Sadly, that is impossible. You can’t go back. The physiology of your brain has actually changed as a result of domestic violence so you can’t go back to being the person you were, but you can become the bigger, better, strong warrior you were meant to be in the first place. That is going to take a lot of hard and consistent work. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Keep telling yourself that everyday. I also tell myself everyday, starting a couple of days ago :), “you are strong, you are intelligent, you are confident”. That is going to reinstate my confidence. Whatever you feel you have lost within yourself and feel is holding you back from your light shining again, make that into a mantra and repeat it to yourself every time you feel less than the “You-Warrior”.
It is also imperative that you do not allow people in your life to suck the light out of you, no matter how much you want to help them. If it gets to the point that they simply refuse to respect your feelings and boundaries you have or are trying to establish for yourself, you must let them go. This is really hard to do so you are going to need people around you who genuinely care about you to help you gauge this. I have trouble doing this myself, hence the need for the reminder to “protect my light”.
We must protect our light. It is through us that the world learns how to love. No matter how badly damaged you think you are, you still have that light inside of you. Take that courageous single step everyday until you can take two steps, then three steps, and so on. There are other people out there like you...find them...surround yourself with them. You’ll be surprised how amazing it feels to have help making your light shine bright AND helping others do the same. The world needs you to be the warrior you were meant to be...SHINE BRIGHT!!
Permission
Give yourself permission…
Give yourself permission…
Give...yourself...permission…
My father began tai-chi class today with this statement and it went straight through to my soul.
Give yourself permission…
Tears began to build in my eyes as my body easily began to drop into the feeling I have been much more easily having as I meditate at night recently.
Give yourself permission…
I began to feel my body relax into permission. My body began to take the instruction that my soul was giving it. My heart began to tell my head and my body, “It’s ok”.
I began to relax. My arms began to hang and feel like they were inches and inches longer than they actually are.
Giving myself permission is starting to permeate my soul...it is starting to take effect.
I am so grateful for this change. It has literally taken my entire life for my soul to start to relax.
Give yourself permission...to breath.
Give yourself permission…to be still.
Give yourself permission...to feel.
Give yourself permission...to love yourself.
Give yourself permission...to take your time.
Give yourself permission...to heal.
Give yourself permission...to cry, to be angry, to scream, to laugh.
Give yourself permission...to let yourself off the hook.
I give YOU this mantra…
Give yourself permission...
Give yourself permission…
Give...yourself...permission.
IT STOPS WITH ME
We each must individually take the stand to stop whatever -ism it is that is in our lives whether it be domestic violence, racism, sexism, etc. If we all take responsibility in that way, we will all see rapid change in our inner-circles which will radiate outward into our environments and then the world.
It must stop with you. I knew from a very young age that I would never exist in an abusive marriage and would absolutely never raise a child in one, so when I saw it happening with me, I immediately took steps to first see if it could be stopped. When it became clear that it wouldn’t, and with the help from GOD, I knew I had to leave. IT STOPPED WITH ME.
Now, “it stopping with you”, is only the beginning. After making that initial decision, one must keep taking that step everyday to make sure, one, you don’t fall in with another abuser, and two, to heal yourself so you don’t set your child up to either become a victim or an abuser. You must show your child healthy love and that begins with you. How do you take care of yourself, how do you take care of others? You are the example.
If you don’t heal yourself, it is an extremely strong possibility that side effects of abuse you endure will end up coming out on your child, inevitably causing a state of constant anxiety for your child, depression, and PTSD, to say the least. These health issues work themselves into the personality of a child, which in turn, become how they communicate with themselves and everyone else. They shape how they see themselves...they will have to battle mental illness everyday of their lives...and possibly become victims or perpetrators of domestic violence, continuing the insidious pattern of abuse that you went through yourself.
My son deserves more than to be crippled by what I experienced. GOD blessed me with the responsibility of taking care of my son...I am not going to let Him down by NOT loving him, by NOT providing the foundation for him that he needs to become the person GOD meant for him to be. In order for our next generation to BE the saviors that the human race needs, we each need to take responsibility, one child at a time, to CREATE the saviors that the human race needs.
EYEONDV DV AT-WORK SAFETY PLAN
Making sure that remaining safe extends to include your workplace is just as important as being safe at home. Most times, victims can leave their homes but don’t feel they have the option to leave their workplace because they still have children to support. Whether that is the case or not, these steps can keep you safe at work:
If your workplace has security, notify them of your concerns and provide them with a copy of your restraining order. Also provide a picture of your abuser to security, supervisor(s), and reception area staff.
Have your calls screened and transfer harassing calls to security. Have your name and extension removed from automated phone directories. Make sure the receptionist knows not to give out information about you to people calling in for you and especially whether you are in the office or not.
Reconsider your transportation and route to work. Change up your directions to work every so often. Have security escort you to and from your vehicle or public transportation. If you drive to work, request a parking space near the building entrance.
Request a change in your work schedule, and work site or assignment if necessary.
When applying for a restraining order, include your workplace on the order and keep a copy with you even at work. Also provide a copy of the order to human resources and the legal department. Remember to also provide a copy to your local police department. IF YOU DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE GETTING A RESTRAINING ORDER YOURSELF, YOUR WORKPLACE CAN GET ONE AGAINST YOUR ABUSER THAT ONLY RESTRAINS HIM/HER FROM YOUR WORKPLACE.