POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: INTIMIDATION
To put it plainly and simply, intimidation in a domestically violent or abusive relationship is used to maintain control. The foundation has already been well-established as to who the dominant party is. It sets the bar within a household as to what line everyone knows to stay away from. This dictates all behavior of every member of the household, including children. Over time, maintaining control becomes easier for the abuser and more and more frightening to the abused.
Intimidation also dictates how children learn to interact with and establish relationships with people outside of the home as well. Children learn that love hurting is normal. Children develop a hair-triggered or “always on” startle reflex. Children develop in a constant state of hypervigilance. Children learn not to trust. Children, as they grow into adulthood, tend to seek out abusive relationships. And this all begins with consistent intimidation in the home.
Intimidation exhibits itself in many forms...it doesn’t have to be physical. It can be a look from across the room. It can be the pulling out of a belt to threaten spanking with. It can also just be a sound. It can be the sound of the gun box clanging as your husband pulls it from the top shelf in your bedroom closet. It can be the sound of your father angrily stomping down the hallway in your direction. It can be the sound of your mother screaming from upstairs.
Even when intimidation is physical, quite often it is very subtle. A couple of instances that happened with me have been being guided through a room by my abuser jamming his fingers into the small of my back, completely out of view from everyone else. Or, when we were out in public and he wanted to get his point across, putting his hand on my shoulder in a seemingly loving way, but digging his thumb into my collarbone. Or, while holding my hand, he would pinch the skin between my thumb and forefinger.
Other forms of intimidation are smashing things and abusing pets, for example.
Over time, intimidation is a tactic that turns into a consistent energy that radiates around the abuser. It gets to the point where there is constant fear of the abuser. It even goes so far as to undermine the abused spouse’s attempts at parenting and disciplining children, which in turn, comes back to reflect badly on that spouse. He/she becomes a “bad parent” because the children won’t listen to him or her. Of course not! The children are going to listen to the parent who scares them.
Intimidation can be another spoke on the power and control wheel that is very hard to explain because sometimes it is invisible. No matter how it rears its ugly head, it is dangerous. Please, tell someone. Seek help. Find safety. If abuse of some sort is happening in your life, DO NOT believe the lie that your abuser has planted in your head...HELP IS OUT THERE! People do love you. Reach out.