POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING COERCION AND THREATS

Coercion is the practice of persuading someone to do something by the use of threats or force. Other words similar to coercion that you might be more familiar with are: intimidation, pressure, influence, harassment, oppression, enforcement, arm-twisting. Coercion is unfortunately used in many areas of our lives by people who are, or believe they are, in a position of power and need, above anything else, to maintain that power to exist. In domestic violence, coercion is used under the blanket of “love”, making it almost unidentifiable by the victim. 

Coercion is an act that happens throughout the power and control wheel, much like intimidation and emotional abuse do, and this is why coercion can take on many “faces”. One of the most basic threats that an abuser might use is threatening to leave the victim. The abuser uses this tactic knowing that the victim has already been manipulated into believing that he/she is completely alone, that they have no support source other than the abuser, that no one loves them other than the abuser. So, if the abuser leaves, the victim will be completely alone and unable to function on their own. This tactic was used on me and I remember the experience as clear as day because the scenario was so strange. My ex-abuser and I were in a loving position (I’ll leave out the details here) and he said, “If you ever leave me, I’ll take our son and you’ll never see him again”. I remember looking at him with the strangest look on my face. I said, “why would you ever say that to me?” He just chuckled. At this point in our relationship, I already knew what he was doing and what his motives were. It’s not that I didn’t believe him, because I did, I just understood to read between the lines, keep my eyes open, keep my son where I could see him, and keep my personal relationships close. 

Coercion can to lead to so many different outcomes: financial abuse, sexual assault, spiritual abuse, etc....and it’s unknowingly causing a psychological breakdown of the victim the longer he/she is exposed to it. A victim being coerced into acquiring financial debt is quite common. For instance, being threatened into opening credit cards in the victim’s name, only for the abuser to max them out. Being forced into putting an apartment lease in the victim’s name, knowing he/she has good credit and under the assumption that if she doesn’t do it, that “his/her family and children will be homeless”, only for the abuser not to pay the rent. 

Coercion can also lead to what is becoming more understood and accepted as a real and valid issue: marital rape. Society has taught women and men that wives sleep with their husbands no matter what...it is their duty and they cannot turn their husbands away. This has given the spouse with the power, the ability to take what he wants whenever and however he wants no matter how his wife feels. This is rape, period, whether there is a ring involved or not. 

Another outcome of coercion that is becoming more widely understood is spiritual abuse. The best way I can explain this is to give an example. This coercion built slowly over time for me. My ex-abuser and I started going to an amazing church and we both took to the environment immediately...or so I thought. Soon, it turned into my ex-abuser manipulating time to make sure we got to church late, missing the uplifting music in the beginning. Then, began him not paying attention in church and talking to me during church, taking my attention away from what we were there to do in the first place: learn about God. Then, to him not wanting our son to go to the kid’s ministry. Then, him trying to keep me from going to bible study. Then, suddenly I couldn’t go to church events. What was amazing to me is when an adult tells another adult that he or she can’t do something, as if that person is a child. I will never understand that. I was told that I couldn’t go to a particular church event just as I was walking out the door to go. I looked at him, picked up my son, and walked out the door...to the church event. Lastly, and this scared me...my ex-abuser told me, just as I was walking out the door to go to church on a Sunday morning, that he wanted me to worship him instead of God! Whaaaaaaaaaat! Both ridiculous, and knowing God, scary! 

Now, if we all keep in mind that domestic violence in its entirety is about control, we will remember that coercion is about control as well. Thinking back about all of my experiences that involved coercion with my ex-abuser, the motivation behind each and every one of them was because he was witnessing his loss of control over me that he thought he had to begin with. If any of these situations sound familiar to you, the best thing you can do is to stay close to people who love you and continue to confide in them. They will be able to keep you on your axis, in other words, keep you grounded so you can think your way through your situation. If things are dier and physical or sexual abuse is happening, seek out an organization experienced to help with a situation like yours and/or contact law enforcement in a way that will not put you at further risk of physical abuse. 

Peace and Blessings. Stay safe out there.