POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: EMOTIONAL ABUSE
In retrospect, the first signs of abuse in my relationship began with very subtle emotional abuse. These signs were so subtle that there is no way that a survivor could recognize them in a relationship. When you are in love with someone, you simply don’t see what would be visible if love wasn’t part of the picture. Love truly is blind. Please, don’t let anyone who is judging you (which is very common...called victim-shaming) make you believe that this is something that you should have seen or should be ashamed of. If they had been in your shoes, they wouldn’t have seen it either. If an abuser’s tactics were easy to see, they wouldn’t be very good at abusing, now would they? And, it just so happens, that abusers choose their victims based on supply. They need victims to be able to zap energy from. If a victim does not have a lot to give over an extended amount of time, they are not a good source and will not be chosen. Contrary to popular belief, being chosen as a victim means this person is strong, not weak! Now...back to emotional abuse…
Examples of emotional abuse are: making someone feel guilty, put-downs, humiliating someone, making someone feel bad about themselves, playing mind games, calling someone names, making someone think they are crazy, i.e. crazy-making, gaslighting, etc. In my experience, both personally and professionally, this is the most debilitating and insidious form of abuse. A truly skillful abuser stops just short of physical abuse...using emotional abuse predominantly to control his/her victim. It breaks down a victim subtly day-to-day over time, without him or her even realizing it is happening. It occurs in the most subtle tweaks to reality. This leaves the victim wondering what it is that is different, what it is that is wrong...knowing that something is off but not being able to put one’s finger on it and racking one’s brain trying to figure it out. Then love comes into the picture. Because one loves his/her abuser (not realizing that abuse is happening at the time) they spend all of their time trying to figure out what it is, trying to fix it, trying to make him/her happy again...make him/her love them again. The thing is...the victim is just doing what one is supposed to do when in an intimate relationship. The victim is supposed to be fighting for the relationship, supposed to be fighting for love, supposed to be wondering what is going wrong and trying to fix it, supposed to care. Love means you fight for the one you love. In an abusive relationship, unfortunately love is twisted into something ugly and evil and it is preyed upon.
The burden of emotional abuse consistently over a long and concentrated period of time, leaves the brain traumatized and operating in survival mode. The victim has no idea this is happening so he/she can not protect themselves from the side effects of it...there is no protection from it. Side effects start to take shape without the victim even being aware...until the victim is out of the relationship, now is a survivor, and is in counseling and talking through what they are experiencing. At this point, the damage has been done and healing must take place.
Emotional abuse is incredibly dangerous. It is able to sneak in and prey upon you unnoticed. Please be careful. Know the signs of an abuser. Know the signs of abuse. Please stay tuned in to EyeOnDV because I will be continuing the Power And Control Wheel series so that you have the tools to recognize the subtle tendencies of abusers. Peace and Blessings to you.