POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: ISOLATION
Sitting down and thinking about this tactic, I realize just how commonly this tool is used. It is not only used in romantic relationships, it is also used in friendships, workplace relationships, and families. It can be so subtle, that you don’t even realize it is happening unless you know how to look for it...unless you have experience with it already, are the type of person who is aware of their surroundings, and are in tune to your brain and body when it sounds alarms. This really only happens with awareness. And, this is why EyeOnDV is so big on bringing issues to light. Having the knowledge equips people to make decisions in their lives that could save their lives and the lives of others. Anyway...back to the point…
Isolation in the beginning will not at all look or feel like what it eventually will over time. In the beginning, isolation will be part of the “grooming” process. An abuser will seem very romantic...he/she will want to spend all of their time with you and you with them, making you feel extra special and loved. You’ll literally do everything together. If you have plans, he/she might seem disappointed because he/she already made plans for the two of you, etc. He/she will really like your friends in the beginning but subtly start to point out anything bad they do. And this builds over time. In the beginning, you feel so comfortable talking to this person because they have presented themselves to be a “shoulder” and eventually, the only person that “really understands you”. This is used as a platform to learn everything about you. This is what sets the stage to really isolate you from friends because you tell him/her everything that is going on with your friends and he/she begins to subtly emphasize negatively what they say. This builds into things like, “they’re not really your friends”, “they’re no good for you”, “only I understand you”...Because the abuser only subtly distorts reality piece by piece over time, you won’t clue in on the dangers that are on the horizon. You’ll never understand that you are being “groomed” and every word you are telling your abuser is being filed away to use how and whenever necessary and for the abuser to create a persona that you are sure to fall in love with. Once this happens, you are completely blind to what is actually going on and will be easily distracted by his/her deflections to continue to abuse you. Love is, afterall, blind.
An abuser will control who you talk to, who you see, where you go, what you read, what you watch on television...it’s all about control. He/she will limit more and more over time, any outside involvement with anyone and anything that you have outside of your relationship. Once you figure out what is going on, you will be so deep into it, that you and your environment will be virtually unrecognizable and you will wonder, “how on earth did I get here” and “how did this even happen”? And you will rightfully ask these questions. Don’t ever believe anyone who tries to shame you for this. They haven’t the faintest clue what it is really like from the outside in. AND, chances are, they have been in situations like yours but just not a romantic one. The signs are a bit easier to see when love is not involved. Love is literally like a drug. You’ll naturally want to focus on the good in who you love and want to “fix” what has been going wrong. This is what you are supposed to do when you love someone. Unfortunately, abusers don’t know how to love in a healthy way, so they destructively turn love into a weapon and disguise it. They know what love is supposed to look like because you have taught them exactly what you want in a relationship. They know how to appear in public in a relationship because they see it everyday. But behind closed doors, you are living with a monster who most will never encounter.
Jealousy also plays a very big part in it. I’ll give you an example. In my relationship, my abuser would support my career only to turn around and fault me for pursuing it later. I was enrolled in a screenwriting program. I did so at the encouragement of a television producer that thought I was talented :). Being that I had never written dialogue, only story, I had no idea what I was doing and I had to catch on fast. In order to do so, I had a very accomplished screenwriter friend who offered to help me through the course. My abuser was, of course, my biggest cheerleader at first. I was so happy. I had to meet my writer-friend ever so often to go over my work and help me with assignments. One evening, my abuser was calling over and over and over during our session. When I spoke with him, he was livid, making threats against me and my friend...that he’d be waiting for us in the street outside when he drops me off, etc. I offered to take rideshare home but my friend was worried that I wouldn’t be safe if I showed up at home alone so he wanted to drive me. So we headed out. I was scared. We turned onto my street and drove slowly up to the building. He was not outside. I sat in my friend’s car for a while trying to get up the courage to go inside. He said I could sit as long as I needed to. Just knowing that I had a space to be safe in and a friend there for me, helped me gather myself to go inside. He made me promise to text him and let him know I was safe once I was inside. I walked inside. My abuser was sitting in the dark, waiting for me. Situations similar to this happened in my relationship with worsening intensity over time. It does with everyone in abusive relationships.
Please, if you are starting to get clues that something just isn’t right in your relationship or if someone you know is pointing out that something is off, take this seriously. Talk about it with people you trust. They just might have experience and be aware and be able and willing to help you. Please...reach out.