POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING MALE PRIVILEGE

Let me preface this blog by stating that I will be using a heterosexual relationship, where the man is the abuser and the woman is the victim, as the example. By no means is this the only type of relationship that can have the following circumstances.

Male privilege is something that is ingrained in our society and has been for centuries. This is not only the case in men, but women have also been taught to accept it as normal male behavior. In other words, women have been taught to believe that certain behavior is not only acceptable, but normal, and women go their entire lives, generation after generation, being manipulated, demeaned, degraded, and worse. The thing is, no matter what one has been taught, each and every person has that deep feeling inside of them when they know something is wrong. I have that feeling when I know I am in a situation with someone and it is wrong. We as women are starting to listen to our gut. We are starting to wake up, listen up, take notice, and speak out. 

To put it simply, male privilege is the inherent belief that, as a man, he is superior to a woman. He has the right to dominate, control, and even so much as use physical violence to force HIS woman to submit. This is THE foundation of abusive behavior in interpersonal relationships between men and women where the man is the abuser. The abuser will go to any lengths necessary to have and maintain dominance and control over his partner. This is one of the ways where the term “toxic masculinity” applies. He does not believe that he should or has to negotiate with a woman in a relationship for any reason. He is the man and she must listen. That is his role and this is her role. She must agree with him. She must obey him. She must act the way he wants and so on. For his woman not to submit to him, she threatens his very identity and he has the right to punish her as a result. In other words, he is not a man if she “talks back to him”, “doesn’t agree”, “doesn’t obey”, etc. A couple of examples from my own experience are: being forced to wash my son’s baby clothes out in a bucket by hand on the floor while my abuser sits over me and looking down his nose at me. Also, buying me a car only to have it taken away when I didn’t “obey him”, leaving me and his son stranded. A man with this quality will fight for dominance as if his life depends on it, AND in his eyes, it does. Under no circumstances will he ever be wrong nor will he ever take responsibility for his mistakes. Now, this isn’t necessarily the case in other relationships (work, friendships, etc.) because he doesn’t “own” them. He can sit down and have healthy interactions and conversations here. On the flip side, any man that is the opposite in a relationship (sees his girlfriend/wife as an equal, as his partner, makes the healthy effort to have healthy communication and negotiate) is revered as a weakling, to put it nicely. He is shamed for it.

If you are in a relationship with a man and these circumstances seem familiar to you, you might also come to understand that your partner seems to be needing to constantly “one-up” you. Being in competition with his partner is also very common. I didn’t come to understand this as the reason behind certain occurrences until I was working through it all in counseling. For instance, I never did understand why my abuser would get so upset when I would either find resources to help with situations we were going through or reach out for help from family when we, for instance, were having trouble paying rent and/or bills. Unbeknownst to me, he would orchestrate these terrifying situations just so he could “swoop in and save the day”. But when it turned out that he couldn’t come through or follow through and I had to step in or else we would get evicted, he would be irate instead of grateful. Situations like this would happen over and over.

In my opinion, male privilege is the scariest spoke on the power and control wheel. It is something that we, as women, can firsthand do absolutely nothing about. The only way we can influence change is if we continue to shine light on this and for men who see us as partners and treat us as such, can educate these men and support and lead them through change. I want to make it very clear that not all men have male privilege as a core belief. There is hope. If you are experiencing abuse as described herein, please understand that you are not alone and help is out there. Please stay strong and reach out.