POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING ECONOMIC ABUSE
Economic, or financial abuse, was one of the strangest experiences that I had with my abuser. Each experience was so strange both during it and in retrospect. Because it so obviously stood out from what clearly was right vs wrong, these experiences really caught my attention. I had always been very independent, having no problem taking care of myself and helping others if they needed it. So, when I would offer to help to figure out our family’s financial issues, i.e. find work myself, go to family for help, etc., and my abuser would either become irate or tell me to go ahead and do it only to “flip the script” and become irate when I managed to find a solution, it was both very hurtful and very confusing. In one breath, I was fully supported to pursue my career. In the very next breath or when I was excited about some good news, my abuser’s reaction would be “all you care about is your career”. It was a constant yanking bank and forth. Constant confusion. I “wasn’t allowed” to use the car if I managed to find work to help with the bills OR he would offer to take me to work but he would run so many “essential” errands on the way to taking me to work that I would lose the job as a result of being late. It was constant sabotage to maintain control and shame. Forget about going to the grocery store. At a certain point, I couldn’t go unless he took me and I couldn’t use “his” debit card to purchase groceries, nor could I know the pin number. It was all about creating a reality of shame. He had to be in control even if it meant the entire family would go down in flames.
None of this was based truly in reality. But as I always had before him, I was going to find a way. We had a family now and I was one of the responsible parties. Our family was not going to fail if I had anything to do with it. I found ways to work, although very difficult to do and they didn’t pay much, but he was not going to stop me. We had a newborn son and he deserved to be healthy and safe and eventually have great education. It was my job to make sure of that and my abuser was not going to stand in the way. These beliefs were set in stone with me from a very young age as a result of martial arts but the same values were being freshly reintroduced through getting closer and closer to God during this time as well. His presence in my life couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. Learning about Him, made right vs wrong blatantly clear in my life as issues came up. AND, knowing that He had my back and understanding that I was gifted with the responsibility of taking care of our son, afforded me the strength to make what would have been very scary decisions if I did not have Him ever present in my life all-day, every-day.
Economic abuse, more commonly called financial abuse, is typically characterized as an abuser preventing a victim from getting or keeping work, forcing him/her to ask for money, belittling the victim by giving him/her an allowance, taking the victim’s money if they have any, not informing the victim about money or refusing access to that money. Currently, other forms of financial abuse are being exposed. For example, stealing a victim’s stimulus or not letting the victim know that it has been received, using the victim’s social security number illegally, identity theft of all sorts, coerced debt. A victim might also be cut off from finances when he/she disagrees with the abuser and the abuser might also stop helping with household duties in response to disagreements as well. Sadly, abusers have also been known to use funds from children’s bank accounts to hurt the victim as well.
As with all other forms of abuse, financial abuse is completely about having and maintaining control. The abuser will up the ante if the cycle keeps happening and he/she anticipates losing control, i.e. physical violence absolutely can result. If you are experiencing what has been described above and you fear that violence is the next step or, if violence has occurred, and you anticipate that your life is in danger if another act of violence occurs, absolutely reach out for help right now. When you do reach out for help, make sure you are in a safe place to talk and be prepared to share details of what has been happening to you (it might be helpful to have a friend or loved-one sitting beside you or on a conference call with you when you reach out to a helping organization). They cannot help if they do not know what is going on. They are there to help...it is ok to trust them. Most advocates have domestic violence experience themselves so...they get it and are sensitive to your experiences. Please reach out for help. I wish you all safety, peace, blessings.