POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: USING CHILDREN
When abusers use children to control their victims it is an especially damaging and devastating ongoing experience that is unfortunately very common. It renders the victim feeling powerless and frustrated with seemingly no relief in sight. I experienced this for a few years and it was awful. I had to eventually understand that showing no emotion in regards to my abuser’s antics was the only way to get him to stop but this took time. I must make a very clear point: understanding your abuser, his/her motivations, his/her antics, using “flying monkeys” to inflict abuse as well, and being patient with yourself is the best and most effective way to combat what you are going through.
Now...understanding your abuser. If the abuser is using the children to “get back at” the victim, they are doing so as leverage to make the victim do what they want him/her to do, keep them from doing something that they don’t want them to do, or getting back at/punishing the victim for something. This will keep happening as long as the abuser is getting the reaction out of the victim that they desire. The abuser uses the children against the victim because he/she is counting on the victim’s inherent need to prioritize the health and well-being of the children. Essentially, the abuser is using the victim’s love for their children against them.
This tactic can manifest itself in many ways. For example, the abuser can use visitation to harass the victim. If the couple is separated/divorced, and the mom (the victim in this example), has full physical custody, with the dad (the abuser in this example) having court-ordered visitation, the mom will have the child on a schedule for such things as bedtime, meals, schoolwork, etc. For those of us who are parents, we are well aware that this type of structure is good for children and their development and sense of stability. The abuser will do everything he can to disrupt this schedule knowing this will adversely affect the victim. It is all in an effort to have some sort of control over a victim that the abuser no longer has physical access to. The abuser will do things such as consistently show up late for visitation pick-ups and drop offs...even so much as not showing up at all. Also, they might bring the child back from visitation with soiled clothing and diapers or cram them full of sugar knowing that the child will be bursting with energy for hours, leaving the other parent to deal with issues that he/she either should have dealt with or not created in the first place.
Another example is threatening to take the children away. An abuser might say “if you leave, you’ll never see the kids again” or “if you don’t do what I say, I’ll take the kids and you’ll never see them again”. Unbeknownst to the victim, accomplishing this legally would be very difficult for the abuser to do. But because of love and attachment to the children, fear and emotion immediately set in with the victim, and he/she gives in to the abuser’s wants/needs, setting in stone a pattern that the abuser now knows he/she can use.
All of these tactics used by the abuser make it absolutely clear that the need to punish the victim supersedes the love that they might have for their children. This is very sad but true. For those of you who are going through this, I am so so sorry!! I understand the effect it is having on you. I also understand how devastating it can be for your children. Also, please do not underestimate the abuser’s power to manipulate the viewpoints of those around you. Don’t be surprised if and when you have the courage to speak up and out about what you are experiencing, those around you side with the abuser! This might happen quite a bit. This is infuriating, yes, but in the end, it won’t matter. Please reach out for help and support anyway...without it, experiencing this can have you feeling the need to explode!! Reach out to friends and family who will offer their shoulder and have your and your children’s best interest at heart. I encourage you to get into counseling (for you and your children) if you haven’t already. And most importantly, as hard as this is, THIS TOO SHALL PASS! You got this!