THE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL
Thinking back about my relationship, it is still mind-boggling to remember what my abuser’s idea of what love was. Remembering how our relationship started, how I felt, how he appeared, how we came together day-to-day...it was so beautiful. Then to jump to where it ended...it doesn’t make sense and it never will. With all of the counseling, all of the resources, all of the research, all of the conversations with others who have experienced their version of pretty much the same thing I have lived, it still doesn’t make ANY sense. I say this to say...don’t expect to put the puzzle pieces together expecting a light to go off in your head at some point. But...DO gather all the information you can knowing that you will have eventual relief in knowing that there is a pattern to what has happened to you and everyone else that has experienced domestic violence. Having this information will help you avoid being a victim of domestic violence ever again. Arming yourself with as much information as possible will give you the tools to protect yourself, your children, any friends or family members that might be in a situation similar to yours. You will gain perspective, power, the NEW you, your NEW life, your NEW path.
One bit of information that continued to come up in group counseling, individual counseling, my own research, chats with others, was the Power and Control Wheel. It categorizes the cycle of abuse that happens in literally every domestic violence relationship. You will be astounded how exact and ritualistic the abusive occurrences in a DV relationship are. This is because of the abuser’s absolute need for control not only being to control others but also having complete control in their own lives. Anything outside of the strict procedure they have lived their entire lives by will have them feeling completely insecure.
The Power and Control Wheel has 8 areas or categories: Intimidation, Emotional Abuse, Isolation, Minimizing/Denying/Blaming, Using Children, Male Privilege, Economic Abuse, and Coercion and Threats. The domestic violence in a relationship can have its origin in any one of these areas depending on the individuals in the relationship and the nature of their relationship. While in the relationship with one’s significant other, this pattern and the characteristics will be blind to the eye due to the fact that the victim has been “groomed”. The abuser has logged away everything he/she has learned about the victim and used this information to build a persona that the intended victim will be sure to fall in love with. As the victim is falling for the abuser he/she is using the love to draw in the victim: slowly isolating the victim from any and all support or thought pattern that will influence the victim not to challenge the abusers wants/needs, slowly influencing the victim’s image of him/herself so that they dress/speak/act/think only the way the abuser is comfortable with, etc. Over time, the victim will only be able to go where the abuser says, associate only with people the abuser is comfortable with, dress only in ways the abuser is comfortable with, etc….basically becoming a “stepford wife”.
If there is any sort of resistance, this is where the physical danger begins to come in. Any sort of question, no matter what it is, how it is delivered, what is meant by it, is considered opposition by the abuser and it will not be tolerated. This is likely where objects will begin to be thrown or broken, mild physical abuse begins, the threat of pets/children being harmed (if there are any in the home). This is when the victim MUST LEAVE. Domestic violence does not have the chance to get better when “the supply” (or the victim) is still in the home. Whether a victim is going to file a restraining order or just leave, it must happen now.
Now...I don’t come from divorce and I never actually ever considered or pictured myself getting divorced BUT, I always knew that I would never ever exist in a domestic violence relationship and I would certainly NEVER raise a child in a home with domestic violence. Leaving my husband was the single most difficult decision I have ever had to make but having the leadership of God in my life made it irrefutably clear that I must leave...for the health and well-being of EVERY person involved. My husband made it absolutely clear that he was never going to work on himself, never going to work on our marriage or our family so...I was “on my own” if I wanted anything to change. In the long run, we are all healthy and safe and that’s all I ever wanted.
Sometimes, it takes stepping back from a situation and gaining a different perspective so that you may see what is the best thing to do. Maybe separating will spark efforts to heal and the relationship can survive and even thrive with healthy love and hard work. I would have loved to save my marriage but that wasn’t possible in my case...it is possible in others.
Please let the Power and Control Wheel be the start to understanding what is going on in your relationship, learning more about what you can do, what your options are, and to make a move as soon as possible and with support if that is what is necessary. Please reach out and seek support. I will be going into more detail, category-by-category, of the Power Control Wheel in future blogs. Please stay tuned. Blessings to you.